How To Cover His Adult Child
In recent years, I have created a new niche in my practice that advises parents of adult "children". Perhaps it is a result of the fact that people live longer, that my clients are often over 65 years old, and that they are just as frustrated with their relationships with their adult sons and daughters as when their children were toddlers or teens.
Although society has many rituals to celebrate the rites of passage to adulthood, such as graduation, bar mitzvah and weddings, we have no way of delineating the transition from "child" to adult within the family. Therefore, parents always think of their offspring as if they were still in their care.
My clients are usually unhappy with their "kids" lifestyle, relationships, parenting skills, money management, household standards, sex lives, weight, addictions, and more. Although adult "children" usually live independently and are often happily married and self-sufficient with their own children, Mama does not see it that way.
After an angry parent has managed to reveal how his "child" does not live up to the parents' expectations or appreciate the wisdom they seek to convey, I give them these rules in the hope of curing dissatisfied relationships and good feelings to promote .
Rule # 1 Bite your tongue
&Bull; Do not give advice.
&Bull; Refrain from expressing something that you believe would be better for him or her, their spouse, or their children.
&Bull; Refrain from saying anything that could be interpreted as criticism.
&Bull; Avoid any kind of rescue by releasing it, giving it money and saying yes if you want to say no.
Rule # 2 Use the magic question
If your child cries on your shoulder and seems helpless, do not try to save him or solve his problem. Instead, just listen and ask the magical question, "Well Jane / John, what would you like to do?" Normally, I suggest that you write this question on a card and keep it next to your phone. Just keep listening and ask this question.
If your son or daughter insists that he / she does not know what to do, ask question A: If your best friend had this problem, what would you tell him?
No matter what, do not offer help. If he or she is still unwilling to take responsibility, ask her question. B: Can you think of someone who can help you find a solution to this problem?
Rule # 3 Stay in the Now
If you're upset, stop and remember that you're okay right now, you're alive, you have money in your pocket, a bed to sleep in, fridge food, etc., as well as your son or daughter , Whatever you worry about is in the future and you are wasting your NOW if you live in the future.
Therefore, rather than annoying yourself about what your adult child is doing, what worries you, do what they say in AA: Give it to God. Once upon a time, I had a client who was doing a ritual every day, lighting a small candle, saying a prayer and introducing herself to the person who was angry with her for moving into God's protection. Every time she began to worry, she remembered that only for today, her beloved person was taken care of.
Rule # 4 Take responsibility for your behavior
Did you have parents who acted to you the way you do to your adult children? How did you feel? I bet you did not like it, but you may have turned into your father or mother. Maybe it has driven a wedge between you or even caused you to move away emotionally or physically. Think back to these days. What would you have liked to say to your parents? You can write it down and keep it handy if you open your mouth and say something you do not want to hear.
Follow these rules and your spiky relationships with your sons and daughters will improve.